“Deserving Joy”
by Marc Esenwein

I relied on alcohol and marijuana to rid myself of despair and anxiety whenever I was alone.  The initial stages of drinking were fun and exciting as I could escape the stressors of my life and lose my self-consciousness around friends and peers. Often after a “drinking binge” I would feel ashamed and defeated. “How did I get so messed up again”? I would ask myself in the mirror. The hopelessness and despair that resulted from my decisions and actions was finally enough to ask for help.

Thankfully, I turned to family and professional caregivers, surrendering the idea that I could manage my alcoholism myself. I went to a rehab program just before turning thirty, and I learned that I am not alone, that with the fellowship of twelve-step recovery groups I can stay clean and sober one day at a time. My conscious commitment at that time was to give it a year and see if sobriety was possible.

I yearned for the peace of mind these sober members of the group had; clear-eyed commitment to something bigger and better in their lives. One of the biggest hurdles I faced in abstaining from using alcohol was the prospect of living a “stupid, boring and glum” existence. How can I ever have fun, joy, and happiness if I stop drinking again?  I had used alcohol to chase joy, yet at my core, I didn’t believe I deserved to have any joy in my life at all. I had developed a core belief of “not being good enough” that plagued me in early sobriety. This is when I journaled about my past and took accountability for my mistakes, taking time to make amends to people I had harmed with my addiction. Still, I wrestled with the question, how can I ever have fun, joy, happiness in life?

The answer to that question revealed itself to me as I listened to the many stories of sober alcoholics. Months into my recovery and sobriety I began to feel the possibility of having a fresh start. “I’m a non-drinker now,” was my daily ritual when I woke up, and I said a prayer of gratitude for staying sober that day. I learned about expressing my feelings more honestly along with becoming more open with the secrets I was keeping. There were even moments when I experienced happiness and a spark of joy while simultaneously struggling with my inner doubts. I had never believed I deserved to be happy after the destruction I had created around me as a practicing alcoholic. Feeling periods of joy and contentment were new experiences for me.

Over the years the periods of comfort and serenity that come from practicing the principles of twelve-step recovery have helped me learn about happiness, contentment, and moments of joy.  I have periods of calm now, of not feeling deprived or that I am “missing out”, on a regular basis. Being satisfied with what I have is the key to contentment.  Living in the moment is another gift that getting sober has given me. When I am experiencing being in the moment, I have a greater chance of feeling joy in the small things that matter to me.

In my evolution as a recovering alcoholic, I strive to practice ways to live more authentically, to become kinder, and to admit mistakes readily. It is important to me to align my values with my behavior. Journaling helps me clear away the clutter of trying to compulsively control my life, and to appreciate the things that I already have.

Joy can feel euphoric at times, though I usually notice it as a spark of loving gratitude for that moment. Joy also is connected to my generosity and kindness toward others. Living in alignment with my intention to be kind and loving towards others brings me a sense of freedom as I mature in my recovery. I have a purpose in the way I show up with others to be thoughtful and present with friends and family, and when I do, I experience joy.

Cultivating joy is not about my deserving it anymore. It is about practicing awareness of the joyful smiles that everyday life gives me for free. I have sadness and grief at times, but even when I have cried over a loss, I can also couple that with the spark of gratitude for that person, place, or thing that I knew. This is my biggest realization of my sobriety as I live in moments of heartache or full heartedness; I want to appreciate it all.
 
Marc Esenwein is Vice president of the INMI Board of Directors and a member of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Boulder.  As a LCSW therapist working with youth and families, he likes to help others learn effective ways to connect. Finding the intersection between spiritual and mental health is particularly meaningful to him.  Marc celebrated 38 years of sobriety this year.