Here and There

Regi Carpenter

 If I hadn’t been told who God is, who could God be?

Like eight generations of Carpenters, I was raised in a traditional religion. My understanding of God was shaped in catechism class, Mass, rote prayers, confessionals, and religious doctrine. I found wonder and awe and meaning in all these taught me. I believed what I was told about who God was and how God existed in the world. If my tongue touched the host during Communion my mouth would spontaneously bleed. My sins look like a pox on my soul. As a child, these teachings were surprisingly comforting and anything outside of that definition was “blasphemy.”

But I had a secret. Since I was a child, I’ve had inexplicable visions, heard voices, and had prescient dreams that were at odds with the conventional religion my parents gave me.

I first heard the calm still voice when playing marbles with my older sister. After beating her soundly and winning her cat’s eye I heard it tell me “You’re not the center of the universe.” I gave back her cat’s eye.

After my beloved dog died, I saw her transparent body fully restored, sitting calmy by the side of the road comforting me with her eternal presence.

I have been given messages in dreams. When my son was hospitalized for mental health issues, I was distraught with anxiety. That night a dream showed me a roundabout outside a school entrance. In the center of the roundabout was a lush and full tree surrounded by green grass. I was sitting in a car outside the circle. The voice guided me, “You’re waiting in the wrong place.”

I’ve seen the Holy Spirit descend and pierce hearts. I’ve heard animals tell me their goodbye as they let me know they would soon die. This precious and confounding presence is real but how could it be so? This was not the God I was told about.

Fear and doubt told me to dismiss my experience. I was afraid of being ridiculed as “cuckoo” and this stopped me from sharing the fullness of my spiritual life with others. I had been told who God was and how God functions in the world but my lived experience told me something else. This created a soul sickness that left me feeling very alone and “wrong.”

Soul sickness is a wound to the heart that weeps and throbs in solitude. There is a scar left from trying to be in two places at one time but actually being in neither. This is Purgatory. I believe in and love the God of my ancestors while also knowing the God of a spiritual realm who transcends my understanding. If I hadn’t been told who God was who could God be? That’s easy. A little voice told me, “God is Love.”

Regi Carpenter is a storyteller, author and teacher. She gives wings to words as she shares her life experience through original and traditional stories.