“Hope is a Choice”
by Rachael Keefe

More than once in my life I have been in a place of absolute despair. That bleak place that is without goodness, wonder, or hope. It’s almost impossible to live without these things. The very act of breathing feels too difficult. And all the internal voices whisper and shout all the reasons why death would be better than choosing life.
 
Once, I paid too much attention to the lies of depression and engaged in suicidal behavior that almost ended my life. After surviving this bout with suicidal behavior in my teens, I promised someone that I would never do it again, that I would reach out if the depression ever threatened to overwhelm me again. For many years it was this promise that kept me alive, even when I didn’t think I wanted to be.
 
As the years added up, my bouts with depression became much less frequent. Therapy and time worked their magic on my PTSD and eating disorder. That doesn’t mean I never feel despair or that hope isn’t hard to find sometimes. As someone who is allergic to SSRIs, I had to find other ways to cope.
 
A decade or so ago, I was the clinical chaplain at a psychiatric hospital. One of the most common questions I was asked was, “How do I find hope when there isn’t any?” My first response was to suggest finding a community, maybe a faith community, that you trust to hold hope for you when you cannot hold it for yourself.
 
After a few years of offering this response and listening to patients tell their stories of survival and resilience, and helping the tellers to recognize their strengths, I realized for myself that hope is a choice. Sometimes it’s a choice we make many times a day with intention. Other times we make the choice and don’t even realize it.
 
These days, I pastor a church and the congregation often turns to me for hope. And it isn’t always easy to find it. There is much that leads to despair – politics, climate change, economic uncertainty, White supremacy, misogyny, and all the other forms that hatred and division assume. In a world that endorses violence, division, oppression, and hatred, hope is often a tattered, hidden, fragile thing. Yet, living without it isn’t an option.
 
I believe that God created the world in goodness and for goodness. I’m not sure why human beings don’t choose goodness and loving-kindness more frequently or why we don’t pursue living more gently on the Earth with greater vigor. However, I believe we could, and some of us do, at least some of the time.
 
When hope is obscured by the chaos of the world, I try to find it in small acts of kindness, in the beauty around me, in the simple joys of being alive. These are not superficial or cliché statements. I also live with chronic illness that comes with constant fatigue and pain that flares up, often without warning. Paying attention to the goodness I can bring into the world, gives me hope. Seeking out the goodness others bring into the world, gives me hope.
 
Sometimes this hope is enough to counteract the despair that seems to hover ever closer these days. Sometimes, I have to work harder to find the goodness, to participate in the on-going process of creation that is all round us. Sometimes, I do have to trust the people in my circle who assure me that there is hope for a better future, no matter how unlikely or improbable it seems.
 
The deep truth is that I can usually find hope because I believe that God is present always and everywhere, even when God’s goodness is ignored. When I slow down enough, become still enough, to allow my spirit to connect with the Holy, I know beyond a doubt that God’s dream for Creation is peace, joy, and love. In those moments of stillness, I can breathe deeply and know that we are created in love and for love. This is our primary purpose. Where there is love there is hope.
 
Just because other people are making other choices that are harmful and destructive, doesn’t mean I have to let go of my choice. Maybe if we all pursue hope as purposefully as fear and division pursue us, we will one day live in a world where peace and justice actually prevail.
 
We are a long way from that and it can be exhausting and discouraging to fight against despair. Hope is worth it, though. Sometimes hope is the difference between life and death. We get to choose. Choosing hope is worth the effort. It allows us to live in a broken world and be a part of the healing and repairing, which is sacred work.
 
Every time we seek hope in response to despair, we are bringing something sacred into the world, and a little bit of healing happens.
 
 
Rachael Keefe is an author and United Church of Christ pastor. She lives in the Twin Cities with her wife, Erika, and her dog, Morgan.