“The Mystery of Descent and Ascent”
by Rabbi Deborah Ruth Bronstein

(an excerpt from A Narrow Bridge: Awakening From Mental Illness)

I cannot believe that recovery has anything to do with merit or that, in general, people get what they deserve. I believe that there is something inexplicable at work in the universe that calls for gratitude on the part of those who can live out their dreams, and that this gratitude leads to an obligation to help others.
 
Both descending into mental illness and ascending back to health are a mystery. So many of us struggle to fulfill our dreams. Looking back over the years I spent in and out of the hospital, I must say that most of the people I knew there tried very hard to get better. Intense suffering, if not an innate desire to live, motivated them to move beyond the pain they were experiencing. Not only that, I believe that most of them received good treatment. Sadly, the intensity of their efforts and what they received from the staff did not guarantee success. Some of my friends ultimately died by suicide. A few were sent to long-term treatment facilities. Some stand on street corners, frightening or infuriating passersby. Others work long hours at disappointing jobs, unable to do the kind of work or live the kind of lives they’d once hoped for. Too many remained compromised by their illness. Some—only some of us—are able to do what we want, love who we want, and live as we wish. Not everyone emerged able to reach toward their dreams.
 
In truth, my path hasn’t been simple. I’ve experienced ups and downs, though after forty-three years, I never needed to be hospitalized again. I reached a point of capacity that allowed me to pursue my life dreams. What made the difference?
 
This is what I do know. Looking back over the many years of being in and out of the hospital and in and out of depression, one thread that I notice has been the healing power of relationships, and the other has been the reawakening of faith.
 
Healing relationships brought me to where I am today and also inspired the kind of rabbi I became. Offering healing relationships is the foundation of my work; it is also a significant factor in my own ongoing recovery. To bring healing to others is healing. Like my rabbi taught about I-Thou relationships, there is a flow of mutual giving and receiving that is direct and uninterrupted, which is, by definition, healing.
 
As far as the role faith has played, I think of the Chanukah night during one of my hospitalizations when I noticed the lights coming on in the building across the street that I took to be Shabbat candle lights. I was prompted in a moment of inspiration to recite the traditional Shabbat blessings. It was as if my faith began to flicker back on. After that experience, even when I was most depressed, a flash of hope would rekindle again and again. After I left the hospital, the daily learning through Torah study and prayer continued to reopen my heart. Naturally and unconsciously, my faith was getting stronger. None of it happened all of a sudden, but it certainly had a healing momentum all of its own.
 
The healing relationships and the deepening of my faith were intertwined. I think this is what made for healing.
 
This path of faith is mine; others recover in different ways.


Rabbi Deborah Ruth Bronstein is the rabbi emerita from Congregation Har HaShem in Boulder Colorado.  She grew up primarily in upstate NY and has lived in Boulder since graduation from Hebrew Union College, a Reform Rabbinical School in Cincinnati Ohio. She has been very engaged in Social Action Work here in Boulder, re people who are impoverished and young women who her synagogue has brought here from South Sudan.